


if this is empathy I feel

by the9999th



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Concerned Geralt, Introspection, Jaskier is an idiot, M/M, Roach is too good for this, Self-Esteem Issues, Vulnerability, but also sex i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22189852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the9999th/pseuds/the9999th
Summary: Jaskier views sex as a transaction.Geralts a sucker for enthusiastic consent.Not as smutty as it sounds.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 62
Kudos: 783
Collections: GERALT AND JASKIER ARE FUCKING GAY





	1. 1

Jaskier knows, has been taught from a young age, that in a world of nobility and quickly changing allegiances, being well liked is paramount for survival. He also knows that in order to be liked, you have to offer up something that people can use for themselves. Thirdly, he knows that he himself does not have a lot to offer - the two things he can provide are entertainment and sex.  
And it's _fine_ , he loves music and he loves people, and that's enough and he's always gotten by just fine. The thing is though, he doesn't really know what to do when someone doesn't want either of these things. Which hadn't been a problem he ever had until he met Geralt.   
That man doesn't listen to the stories he tells- but he still lets Jaskier rant about whatever he wants with minimal complaints.   
He's not interested in the songs he sings - unless they are factually wrong and he feels the need to point that out (Jaskier sings them the original way anyway).   
Geralt does not care for music or dancing - yet when Jaskier is invited to play at some court or another, he always accompanies him.   
No matter how hard he tries (and he does try his _very hardest_ , especially in the beginning), the witcher resolutely does not want to be entertained.  
But he still does not send him away, even though he tells Jaskier to shut up, to stop annoying him, that he doesn't need a travel companion, much less a bard that doesn't fight - which leaves Jaskier floundering. Every morning he wonders whether or not Geralt will still be there, across the fire or in the next room over in the inn, whether Roach will wake him up by neighing until he can't reasonably go back to sleep or if the stable will be empty when he goes to check on her.   
It leaves him feeling unbalanced, he's not used to not being able to tell if he is liked. Normally, even when the patrons of a pub boo him, at least they're entertained - and by proxy, cannot truly dislike him. He knows, rationally, that if Geralt didn't like him, he wouldn't be traveling with him at all. But he still can't suppress the thought that he is undeserving of the kindness the other man offers him, not having done his part in the game of social interaction.   
Every time he protects him from a monster or a sleazy lord, or even just offers him some of the game he caught earlier, Jaskier feels worse and worse.   
And he can't slay monsters or cast spells or save people from being killed by their prospective mothers-in-law, but he sees the way Geralt sometimes looks at him, when he's playing in a pub or talking to some knight or trying to get Roach to let him pet her and he knows what that look means. And that's fine too - Jaskier falls in love easily, and he's good at sex and romance - he knows what's expected of him, he likes the way he can make people feel good, and he loves how they love him in return - whether it means singing a ballad to a pretty barmaid or getting on his knees for a lord. _It's fine._  
But again, Geralt is the exception. While he is clearly not opposed to the idea of casual sex, and is not shy about approaching potential partners, he just...looks at Jaskier. He doesn't touch, doesn't even allude to the possibility of bedding him, just _looks_.   
And it annoys the living daylights out of Jaskier. Not just because he feels bad for accepting the surprising amount of kindness and consideration Geralt offers, but also because he's actually very much in love with the witcher.   
He knew there was something about him when he first saw him brooding in the dark pub corner, without even knowing of his friends - for no one can tell him they aren't at least friends, not even Geralt himself - and just fell for him head over heels. It's insane to think that people truly believe witchers don't feel, when Geralts sole driving force seems to be the desire to help townsfolk and kings alike, not caring about the risks associated with the tasks.   
So it seems only logical to try and give Geralt the other thing he's good at. 

No matter how sure Jaskier is that Geralt at least finds him attractive, it's still nerve-wracking to wait for a good opportunity to act on his decision. Finally, they stop to set up camp a few miles away from the next town late in the day, and Geralt immediately stalks off to collect firewood and maybe hunt down a rabbit or deer, which leaves Jaskier alone with Roach and his lute. The horse very much does not appreciate music, he's learned, though she will tolerate it when her master does too - a fact the bard makes use of almost nightly.   
As it stands, however, he doesn't want to risk angering Roach and so settles for gently rubbing her flanks and combing out leaves from her mane. She has recently warmed up to him and seems to enjoy his gentle touches, going so far as to nudge him in the side as he moves around her.   
"You're just as stubborn as he is, aren't you girl? Just as pretty, too... I really do regret that I don't have much to give him, you know. Sure, a good tune or two will do wonders for his image, but that's not really enough to repay him for his... Continued benevolence."   
Roach seems confused, shaking her head and gently nuzzling his shoulder, which he uses to get the last twig out of her forelock.   
"There, all done! Truly, you're the most magnificent steed I've ever laid eyes on, madame Roach! Pray tell, have you broken many a studs heart?" He could have sworn that Roach rolls her eyes at him when a chuckle behind him makes him whirl around, landing him face to face with Geralt.   
"If you're not careful, she will like you more than me, and that wouldn't do, now would it?" The deadpan delivery makes Jaskier laugh nervously, unsettled by the sudden proximity.


	2. 2

And then, there it is again. That look. Somewhere between angry and sad, maybe, not just conveyed by _sun-fire-honey-gold_ eyes but subtly changing Geralts entire posture until he looks just that bit less human and more like an animal - a wolf, Jaskiers mind supplies unhelpfully - ready to pounce.  
But it's not like he has to be prey in this hunt. He doesn't have to roll over and bare his throat, he can throw out his own hook and reel something in, goddammit!  
So he does the only thing he can think of. He reaches up, grabs Geralts shirt and kisses him. Thankfully, Geralt immediately responds and it's a bit feverish, a bit sloppy, and Jaskier doesn't believe in a God but if heaven is anything close to this he might just start to - he didn't even notice they were moving backwards until he's pressed up against Roachs warm flank.  
Which, Roach does not approve of being used as a leaning post. She side-steps, leaving him to fall onto the ground with a yelp. So much for being seductive. Then again, he planned on getting on his knees for Geralt sooner rather than later anyway, so he might as well get to that now.  
And it's not like it's an unwelcome idea, his witcher would surely appreciate it, it's not a big deal. Except it is, it will change their dynamic forever and isn't that a big word to be throwing around so carelessly. They've only just settled into a sort of normalcy, and he's never had a close friend like this - or any actual friend, if he's being honest. If he stops now, they can laugh it off, maybe blame it on the long day, and continue to silently pine. Having said that, he's wanted to do this since they met and isn't likely to get the chance again, soooo...  
"Jas, are you okay?" Oh yeah, he probably should have postponed this freakout a little.  
"Never better!" That sounds panicky and fake even to his own ears, but it doesn't matter - a hiccup in a well-practiced act does not mean that the entire performance is doomed.  
Geralt seems to disagree, because when he tries to reach for the laces of the witchers trousers, he catches Jaskiers wrists and pulls him to his feet.  
"What are you doing? Are you -" Something seems to click in his mind then and he releases him as if burned. "Were you trying to _recompense_ me for - for being _nice_ to you?" It's more a growl than spoken words and Jaskier freezes, tears pricking his eyes.   
Although he's a bit scared, he is still more confused by Geralts reaction.  
"I - wouldn't put it that way, I mean, essentially yes? That's how this - that's what people do, isn't it? Everyone's got stuff they're liked for, and I'm to be -" fuck, why is there suddenly a lump in his throat, "to be heard or to be fucked, and you clearly don't want the first bit, so I assumed..."   
And that's clearly the wrong thing to say. Geralt looks absolutely murderous now, and he's never been afraid of his friend before, but suddenly he understands what about him makes people jump when he enters a tavern. Yeah, he's definitely crying now, great. Usually he doesn't mind being so emotional, comes with the whole musician business really, but this is not going as planned _at all_ and blubbering like a baby won't exactly help. He tries replacing the tears with nervous chatter.   
"Wrong - answer, okay, look, why don't we just, uh, move on, let's talk about literally anything else, maybe...oh yeah, um, what did you think about that blacksmith in -"  
"Jaskier, please _shut up_ for a moment." Geralt's rubbing his face, clearly distressed - and that alone is disturbing, he's not usually displaying his emotions like that, more of a riddle than an open book. When he speaks next, he sounds like it physically hurts him: "Is that how you always feel about - this? About yourself?"  
"I - what? Do you - are you trying to talk to me about _my feelings_? Are you feeling alright, Geralt? 'Cause you're kind of worrying me!"  
"For fuck's sake, I'm trying to not take advantage of you like apparently _every single shitty person you've ever met_!"   
Jaskier's pretty sure that he makes some sort of wounded noise in response to that, because the next thing he registers is that Geralt has pulled him into a bone-crushing and only slightly awkward hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's still words to be had, obviously, but this felt like a natural-ish cut-off point - sorry it's a bit short!


	3. 3

Once he gets past the shock that Geralt is showing what could be reasonably seen as physical affection, it's actually kind of... _nice_. A bit tight, not really giving him the chance to hug back, but it feels safe, and warm, and just. Nice. Not like it's leading up to more, but like something that can be enjoyable on it's own. If he thinks about it, he can't remember the last time someone hugged him without ulterior motive - and after the way Geralt reacted before, he's sure there isn't one now.  
It's over much too soon, though Geralt doesn't let him go fully, still gripping his shoulders gently.  
"Are you crying because of - me? Jas, was I out of bounds?"  
"I'm fine, why would you think that I - oh." it's only then that he realizes that he is, in fact, crying. He quickly wipes at his face, not that it makes much of a difference. "God, no, Geralt, it's just - I don't really, uh, I'm not used to - this?" he gestures to the small space between them. The witcher just looks at him quizzically. "Someone not hugging me as a way to - initiate more, I guess? Uh, I mean you probably know that I was a bit - a little lonely? Didn't really have friends, with the whole traveling bard thing? So, yeah, that's not - not something I'm used to really..."  
"Jaskier - you don't have to justify anything to me, I just - I need to understand why you feel like you owe me something? Which, you don't - just...why?"  
"What? What do you - I don't think I can just - break this down, like that, put it in words, I - it's how I grew up, I think? Um, it's not that I think that I - _owe_ you something, in particular, more like - look, Geralt, I really really wanted you to like me, and there's only two ways I know that make people like me." he cringes at how needy he suddenly sounds, though at least he has managed to stop crying again.   
"But you must realize that people like you for _who you are_ , not what you do - yes, your voice and your stories are nice, but that's not what makes you you - that's not why I - look, I'm not really good at this, so what I'm trying to say is that I like you - and that almost everyone does, and it's about the way you can cheer up even the grumpiest townfolk by just being your usual self, and how you talk to everyone the same, no matter if it's a knight or a child, and how Roach lets you braid her mane just because you ask nicely and it's all about the fact that you're just a - an incredible person, and not at all about what you can _offer_ them!"   
Geralt is pacing the small clearing they chose for the night, clearly nervous and out of his depth, but Jaskier's mind keeps replaying the same three words he just said.   
"You - like me? I mean, of course I was aware that you didn't loathe my presence, but you actually - like having me around? You don't - hate that I never shut up and that you always have to fight things trying to kill me?"   
Geralt stops and stares in a way most would find intimidating in it's intensity. "That's your only takeaway from what I just said?"   
"Well, it's the only part that matters to me right now! I've been trying to work you out for - for months now! You're impossibly stoic, and you never _talk to me about anything of substance_ , what was I supposed to think! And if I wasn't clear before, having you like me is kind of the only thing I want!"  
"You're going to be the fucking death of me, Jaskier" and with that, Geralt marches across their little camp and just kisses him, and it's just as good the second time around, and again he doesn't just let go but lingers like Jaskier is the most precious thing he has ever held. "Don't think I'm letting this whole "my worth is only in what I do" thing go - I don't think I'm the best person to handle something like this, but I'll try - _for you_ , if you want to?"  
"Fuck, Geralt, the answer's always yes when you ask like that!"  
At the edge of the clearing, Roach neighs her approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that's it. I hope no one is disappointed - if you are, sorry and feel free to comment with what you would've liked to be different, I'm very much in the learning process and always appreciate feedback!


End file.
